After the abortive surprise attack (Look under AWAC) I was kidnapped and found I was to work for the Rus. I think I must have been rescued by a Russian ship!
I smiling Russian told me that I was to design some nice radar because communism was a good cause to work for (fingering his 7 chambered revolver (6 for me and 1 for me)). So I said OK.
I was up for breakfast and the armed officer said "Now enjoy your soup, look there is a whole potato for you, Communisms is good? Yes of course it is, Sir!".
Now in the afternoon there was a break to go to the river for a "walk". We collected goose eggs, but not the goose as they lay the eggs and always leave some for mother goose or they won't be any geese any more. We caught rats and rabbits and cooked and ate over a fire, after all the diet our wonderful system delivered could not be better "could it!".
I once said we had bacon egg, bread, and meat as well as potatoes and even greens and lettuce as much as we liked. The other people looked amazed, "all that! Each!" they said. Why support a system that fails to deliver? The commander put down his gun and cried. He went into his room and I followed.
"don't shoot yourself" I said "let me go home, I want more bread". We were not paid but if we got any rouble notes we generally decorated the wall of the hut. There was nothing to buy but there seemed to be enough potato soup to go round we even found tiny bit of bacon or even beef if you were really lucky, its amazing how good that tasted when you queued up for the broth dished out into the plate.
"I have orders, get on with our radar he said".
Well basically I was only an MSc student, the radar operator does not design or build radar.
Well like the girl ordered to spin her hair into gold, I just got on with it and set out do design the most original and most advanced radar in the world and it is still there in their warning radar network.
I was given promotion and a new shiny uniform and we even had caviar for breakfast and bacon and eggs for breakfast and roast beef and potatoes with greens... as well as some lovely lady friends and the vodka was good to, if you could stand it, there are too types of vodka the real Smirnoff and the petrol that you poison your enemies with. So watch it.
I even had a Latvian Girl Friend with a beautiful body and black hair who liked bondage and playing with her police automatic.
She said that they wanted to rid themselves of this terrible general I worked for (I calculated the tonnages of poison gas needed to eradicate the people in towns he wanted destroyed among other helpful suggestions), I asked him once how he would have any communists for his ideal communist state if they were all dead - he never did understand it - he was "building communism" is what he said.
I recall being sent by this devil to supervise executions of those who had failed his communism test. I used to call at the Police station. Looked at the papers that even the dedicated police disagreed with find the prisoners innocent and allow them to leave. The Police knew what I was doing and agreed.
I then reported to the General that all the executions had been satisfactorily carried out. He smiled generally "building communism, execution by execution" is what he thought, I guess.
She wanted me to pull the trigger because it would not matter if a foreigner from Britain did it and missed but if it was one of us we will all get it with you just one. I agreed.
So life in the commies was ok then...
I was invited to the general staff meeting and I became aware that I was the British expert and the general with many decorations told us how he planned his attack. "small pox there, polio, influenza, Ebola there, water should spread the disease (said the water was well filtered so would not pass into the domestic supply, poison gas on the underground - that should kill -- how many Comrade Chris "oh about a million", we should win without those British even realising what hits them.
"I will wipe out Estonia with Nukes leaving the missile battery on the coast and Kiev as they are not good enough communists"
I got so incensed by his murderous speech I drew my Russian revolver Cried "You murderer - X" and shot him, and announced on behalf of Her Majesty's secret service I sentence you do death he went for his gun and fell and died on the floor. All at the meeting clapped and stood with joy on their faces and sat down. "Thank you, our poor comrade has had a heart attack lets us adjourn to clear up. and return after lunch".
"why did you design that radar?" "because a man with a gun told me too" "How many babies can you feed with a guns, how many guns do you want for breakfast, would you prefer a machine gun or beef streak with greens and potatoes for dinner?" "why don't you plant tomatoes instead? Cows are nice too eat and eggs and bacon are nice for breakfast" "what about defence?" "well perhaps you do but try to persuade to do the same and send them food parcels" "I put my pistol on the floor and all the people did the same" we smiled at each other some men there burst into tears, the man on the phone said that it was ok now.
"In Britain" I said "we've all got cars, plenty of food, and nearly everyone has their own home in a house" "So although capitalism is totally evil, based on greed and exploitation, it is a much better place to live".
"How did you get here?" "Oh I just woke up with this uniform on" Where were you educated" The technical institute for children, Novosibirsk", "Why did you leave" "abducted" "Where were you born", "London".
A lovely young Russian girl said "Come quickly Chris, this way you must leave at once. Thank you you have saved many lives". She took me down to a car and as we drove she said "it takes 10 minutes to fuel up and ready a tupolov when we reach the air force base it should be ready".
An ugly confrontation occurred on the way when I confessed to the Chinese thing. She said "where's you gun?" "I threw it away", "Oh - put your hands on your head", I complied. "I'm a policeman, you expect to believe all that", "yes" I said "after all there is no where to go". She pointed her gun at my head and I was looking down the hole at the end of the gun "you killed my countrymen". I told her about the way the Chinese warriors threw themselves on our machine guns and as their dead piled up we elevated our guns and as a last resort to prevent the world being overrun by Chinese (I know the are the same as us, men with their wives). I told her of the carbon forest and carbon people of Sarawak. She put the gun down and we had a kissing session, then we drove on in utter silence.
There was some kind of radio thing going on that I did not understand and she was on her police radio, they seemed happy.
A group of soldiers who were waiting for us with armoured cars on both sides of the narrow hedged road suddenly started cheering and threw their hats in the air after an announcement on the radio in Russian as the music changed.
I was later told by a Polish beauty in London when I told her my story as after she collapsed with hysterical laughter on the floor that thousands of people all over the communist block had been released from prison that day and her dad was one of them. "Thanks" she said.
We drove to the gate the guard was smiling the fighter was powered on and the engine running, I looked around this utterly strange cockpit, and since I don't know Russian it was a bit difficult. she looked at me and said "have you any flying experience", "well gliders" I said "she said well its only a fast glider". "Well I did fly a spitfire some time ago, oh and a lightning and an an F1-11 in Yom Kippur". "oh she said its you!" "That's the control column and there's the undercarriage that means up that means down, there the throttle don't pass that you might explode and that's the after burner down you know how aeroplanes fly?" "Yes of course, Bernoulli's theorem". She looked blank "There's the compass and the horizon its the same as the spitfire you know. Oh and don'ts switch on the navigation or the radar or they will see you and shoot you down, use the map and look out the window, there is plenty of daylight left", Which way I said, she pointed along the aircraft "go west" she said "go west, bearing 273". "keep low the radar cannot see low... the missile batteries are on the coast near Etvos. Press that and the top will close it is pressurised you don't need a suit." she waved as the cockpit closed and I opened throttle, oh where's the brake she pointed, and ran off quickly, I hope she made it.
The thing skidded a bit but she lifted off and the lever for the undercarriage made the bump as it locked and I sort of aimed the thing at the end of the runway and reached the rudder control. and lifted off just over the trees and like an arrow I was free. This things does mach 2 and nothing can catch you there is no armament her words hung in my ears.
Well I sort of looked out the window and looked at the map and watched the horizon and the compass or and the altitude, sort of 1000 feet (as it was in meters it was probably 1000m)and there were no mountains I hope. Not quite clipping tree tops, but I could see the villages beneath and I saw Estonia and that must be the capital with its towers and domes lit up by the sun and I boomed over at match 2.
As I saw the coast I wondered where those missiles batteries were, lovely lakes a forests in Estonia, all the girls in Estonia a beautiful wave goodbye to me. Only the generals in the Russian republic are ugly they don't know why communism is wrong. I know it the basic idea of freedom, lets all be American on Monday.
I left the coast, the battery were probably complaining about their potato rations, so never even saw me they don't to shoot down their latest tupolov...
Well I thought London airport was probably too busy and the might think I was hostile. So I went up a bit to see better and looked at the map, oh I'll try a vector to aim for hull, oh there's the wash, oh I've lost the horizon oh does Vert mean I'm horizntal? the Humber, oh I'm out in space the sky is dark and there are stars, isn't it quiet and lonely in space, O that's how the earth, there's The Frisians, Africa, there's Norway, Russia, England, and oh yes Iceland looks its quite strange oh well I suppose it will come down again. I wondered should I eject? no, no air, it was quite the engines had stopped, isn't it lonely in space, It was match 3 now that's a bit fast, oh we are going down now, oh the controls don't do anything, oh I can see some cloud we must be in the troposphere, I wonder what is under the cloud oh the engines have re-started, match 4, how do I slow this thing down? I saw some planes below but I was too high, oh there's the wash and the Humber I'll ease the stick back a bit and sort of head near the wash, oh match 1 it got bigger and I could se some detail, for them, Oh I've found the horizon, oh I'm upside down, see better like that, now where is Northolt, I saw a lighting approach so I gave the sign of the cross, I don't want to be shot down by my own side. I had to slow down so he could catch up.
He flew along side and I said thumbs up and pointed down.
He waved follow me and I was a bit blasted by his exhausted I kept bumping in so I had to throttle back, but he went to my wing, and we flew together, a tupolov and a lightning coming down at Northolt together. That's where, I was based when I did my 5 day radar course as an MSc student. I saw the runway and the markers, the lighting kept me on the glide path I throttled back to idle, and pulled the stick back, found the air brake and there was a bit of vibration and the flaps, and the undercarriage down and locked, the lines came up, one two three and the runway appeared, pull back the stick, bounced, let the parachute out, were down, brake no off, switch of the engines and the wine sound of the engine dying, the thing stopped and the fire engines caught up,
The group of men crowded round "don't shoot me I'm British" "What's your address?" I gave it, "What were you doing?" "Oh I got kidnapped", "You went up 500 miles", "Oh well I don't know what those funny squiggles meant" - "I don't speak Russian - I did once, sometimes I saw the letters in English".
I'm the Tupolov pilot who chose freedom, democracy and The West. I wonder where the west went but I never did find the west.
I understand that model was the first one of that type that was ever built.
That's where the yellow went.
Chris.